That Newfangled Internet By Paul Hsieh @ 3:42 PM
This 1994 NBC News story features Tom Brokaw talking to Bill Gates about that newfangled "internet" thing:
A Very Impolite Joke By Diana Hsieh @ 12:01 AM
I know that this particular topic isn't supposed to be funny, but I was highly amused:
A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds couple in bed. He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up & goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do what ever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"
His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too."
Ha!
Folks, that's all that I have in my blogging queue, and I'm too busy working ten hour days finalizing my dissertation to do anything so frivolous as blog. Seriously, for eight days now, I've done nothing but sleep too little, eat on occasion, and edit, write, and edit more. I have a few more days of work. So unless my co-bloggers post something, and I hope they do, NoodleFood will be quiet this upcoming week. Again, do not e-mail me for any reason. I cannot afford the distraction. If you do, you might get a rather impolite response.
Social Security representatives said there is a good explanation. Of the about 52 million checks that have been mailed out, about 10,000 of those have been sent to people who are deceased.
On the bright side, maybe such errors will be helpful when He is running the health care industry.
...Brown suggested that Asian-Americans should find a way to make their names more accessible.
"Rather than everyone here having to learn Chinese -- I understand it's a rather difficult language -- do you think that it would behoove you and your citizens to adopt a name that we could deal with more readily here?" Brown said.
She made her remarks to Ramey Ko, a representative of the Organization of Chinese Americans.
I'm sorry to hear that Ms. Brown has troubles with difficult Chinese last names like "Ko"...
Traditional Easter Celebration By Diana Hsieh @ 4:56 PM
Some of you may be surprised to learn that I am a committed traditionalist about Easter. The Easter holidays should be focused on bunnies, eggs, and other symbols of fertility -- not that newcomer "Jesus."
So, in the spirit of that glorious tradition, I bring you two delights:
See the best entries of the Peeps Diorama Contest. They're even better than last year, I think. My favorites are #4 and #40.
It's about time that someone created an Easter Turducken. It consists of Cadbury cream eggs wrapped in Peeps, then stuffed into a hollow chocolate rabbit. The linked page has a very useful set of illustrative pictures of the assembly process, but don't miss gems like the following in the description:
Many children wonder around Easter how it is that bunnies lay eggs. As a side benefit, Easter turducken illustrates clearly that this "theory" is wrong. Obviously bunnies lay chickens, which then lay the eggs. Mystery solved.
Indeed. Even more importantly, this Easter turducken -- a.k.a. the "bunpeepegg" -- shows that the "chicken or the egg" controversy is a vicious false alternative. Clearly, the chicken and the egg come into the world simultaneously: the chicken is "born" from the bunny already containing the egg!
I've found Twitter to be an excellent source of blog-worthy links, noteworthy political news, and useful tidbits on my various interests. (If only I had more time to blog what I find!) Plus, I get to keep up with some good folks in a less-demanding format than e-mail.
Of course, I know that everyone is captivated by my random thoughts. Okay, maybe not. Nonetheless, you can follow me here.
Fellow tweeters are welcome to post their follow links in the comments.
Barack's TelePrompter By Greg Perkins @ 12:38 PM Okay, given Obama's reputed dependence on prepared text for his charismatic orating, and recent slips like his slavishly reading another person's speech the other day (and thereby oddly thanking himself for hosting the event), this blog is just hilarious: "Barack's TelePrompter -- Reflections from the hard drive of the machine that enables the voice of the leader of the free world."
Okay, I see the bus coming right at me, so let's be clear: this was His ad lib. ... It's days like this that make me miss the days when He and I would walk the streets of Chicago, doing community activism. Sure, it took Him 30 minutes to set me up, and sometimes he couldn't get the extension cord to reach an electrical outlet, or the folks he wanted to talk to would walk off because they had better things to do, or the glare off my screen made his remarks unreadable. But it was a simpler time, when he could stay on script and didn't feel the need to "speak his mind," and we were a team. All I know, is it's going to be a long flight home.
I remember being really disturbed by this video as a kid. He was marrying her, but he didn't seem to love her! He hurt her when he put on the ring! It just didn't make sense! (Okay, so I must have been about six at the time.) Now that I've seen the literal version, it all makes sense. Well maybe not, but at least it's dumb rather than scary.
Now if only I could find that horror movie about bad moonshine that my sisters let me watch when I was about five that gave me nightmares for years. (My mother was not pleased.) I still have very vivid memories: The woman's hair fell out, she went all screwy in the head, she grabbed a massive knife from her kitchen with the intent of chopping up her two young daughters, but she was stopped and killed at the last minute by the dedicated police officer. It was scary stuff for young little me!
Now, before you go and conclude that the 8% means I'm some kind of moral monster, let me explain. Really, the 8% result was only due to poor question design -- not to any flaw in my character! Exhibit A in my defense:
12. What is the best way to curry favor with the Lord?
By treating all people, including atheists, with kindness and courtesy.
By learning and accommodating the culture and customs of other people.
By ritualistically slaughtering animals and burning the parts.
See, all the other questions asked what I would do or what I understand to be right, whereas this one only asked me to recall what the Bible says -- which is why I got an answer "right" Biblically.
Book editor with knowledge of Objectivism regarding Philosophy, Psychology, Politics and Economics. Objectivism is the philosophy created by Ayn Rand who wrote, "Capitalism the unknown ideal", "Anthem", "Fountainhead", and "Atlas Shrugged." I have completed a book that is 12 Chapters in 510 pages or 150,218 words. The book discusses moral and evil behavior using 12 Moral Laws and 12 Evil Laws with 38 Moral Principles and 38 Evil Principles. Please send resume of books previously edited and published.
Clearly, the numbers are very important! Good laws and principles must exactly equal the evil laws and principles!
Jack and Max are walking from religious service. Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.
Max replies, "Why don't you ask the priest?"
So Jack goes up to the priest and asks, "Father, may I smoke while I pray?"
The priest replies, "No, my son, you may not! That's utter disrespect to our religion."
Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the good priest told him.
Max says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."
And so Max goes up to the priest and asks, "Father, may I pray while I smoke?"
To which the priest eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means. You can always pray whenever you want to."
Not too get too technical, but that's actually a great example of the fascinating psychological effect of "framing."
Second:
The priest was walking down the street looking sad.
"What happened?" asked a parishioner.
"I am afraid someone from the parish stole my umbrella."
"Here's what you do. Next sermon talk about the Ten Commandments and look around when you quote 'Thou shall not steal' and see who bows his head in shame."
Next week the priest walks happily down the avenue, twirling his umbrella.
The smart parishioner said, "I see my advice worked."
"Not exactly," said the priest. "When I reached 'Thou shall not commit adultery,' I remembered where I forgot it."
Cake Wrecks By Diana Hsieh @ 1:21 PM
I've perused the blog Cake Wrecks (subtitle: "when professional cakes go horribly, hilariously wrong") before, but clearly I need to add them to my blogroll. It's not good enough to just look at the pictures, as the descriptions do bring out hilarious features that you might not notice on first glance.
As Paul can attest, the "perverted vegetable rodeo" of that last link me in hysterics for about four full minutes. I was laughing so hard that I was crying, my abdominal muscles were killing me, and I nearly hyperventilated more than once.
(Link via Chris Zeh who noted: "Now that the info is out there, I wonder if this sort of thing will happen more often. I'm just worried if zombies do attack, nobody will pay attention to the warnings ;-) ")
Another Condom Commercial By Diana Hsieh @ 12:00 PM
Thanks, Al Gore! You invented the internet, and now I can watch a condom commercial featuring condom animal balloons getting it on! (It's actually kinda cute.)
FELL 10 DAYS AGO ON TILE FLOOR IN COSTA RICA AFTER A COATI (MAMMAL TYPE RACCOON) URINATED ON THE FLOOR --- PATIENT HAVING PERSISTENT HEAD AND NECK PAIN
Chicken Chicken Chicken By Diana Hsieh @ 2:05 PM
If I keep on this roll of chicken humor, I'm going to have to create a separate category for it. Here's the latest, courtesy of Larry Salzman in the comments:
Wrong on Every Level By Diana Hsieh @ 7:07 PM
This video of "Sandra Lee Making the Kwanzaa Cake" is wrong on every possible level. Hence, it's hysterical!
A Touching Christmas Story By Diana Hsieh @ 8:13 AM
Ah gentle readers, you know that I'm a sucker for a touching Christmas story. Here's one from the UK:
About four weeks ago, I was rushing around trying to get some last-minute shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the multi-story car park. I realised that I had lost the shop receipt, which I would need to get out of the car park without paying. So, mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the shopping centre entrance.
As I was searching the wet pavement, I heard a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about ten years old. He was short and thin. He had no coat. He had only a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the evening chill. He was holding two fifty pound notes in his hand.
Thinking that he had got separated from his parents, I asked him what was wrong, and he told me his sad story. He came from a large family. His father had died when he was seven years old. His mother worked two full time jobs to make ends meet. Nevertheless, she had managed to scrimp and save two hundred pounds to buy her children Christmas presents. She had dropped him off at the shopping centre on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his brothers and sisters and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the shopping centre when an older boy grabbed two of his fifty pound notes and disappeared into the night.
"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked. The boy said, "I did!"
"And nobody came to help you?" The boy stared at the ground and sadly shook his head.
"How loud did you scream?" I enquired. The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"
I realised that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help. So I grabbed his other two fifty pound notes and scarpered.
When an Engineer Owns a Dog By Greg Perkins @ 2:32 PM
This is hilarious and cool! But now I can't help wondering if the connection I feel with the dogs I play with is an illusion. ;^)
Wedding Day Fail By Diana Hsieh @ 4:02 PM
If anything remotely like this had happened to me on my wedding day, I would have nearly died from the shock, then I would have nearly laughed myself to death. Then I would have finished up the vows.
All We Gotta Do By Diana Hsieh @ 5:28 PM
Hugh Laurie tells us how to change the world into a utopia of peace, love, and happiness in a classic folk song:
Chicken Law and Order By Diana Hsieh @ 12:43 PM
If you've ever watched Law and Order, you absolutely must watch this two minute spoof. It's so damn perfect -- even in its plot!
Take On Me By Diana Hsieh @ 5:41 PM
Via ChordStrike: "Though it's definitely a catchy song, I doubt many people would remember A-ha's 'Take On Me' if it weren't for its innovative-for-the-'80s half-animated/half-live action video. Recently, some evil genius took a crack at rewriting 'Take on Me,' crafting the lyrics as a running commentary describing exactly what's happening in the song's iconic video. The results are hilarious. Behold:"
Update: Richard suggested adding a link to the original video, for anyone unfamiliar with it. Here it is:
British Educational Bureaucracy By Paul Hsieh @ 1:37 AM
This short satirical video mocks the arrogance and paternalism of the bureaucrats who run the British educational system, but most of the arguments apply equally well to socialized health care. Or socialized anything!
The American equivalent in health care would be ABC News Medical Editor Dr. Tim Johnson's comments on individuals buying health insurance directly from an insurance company instead of through one’s employer. He stated (halfway through the following video):
The idea that individuals are going to have enough knowledge and enough savvy and enough insight and, frankly, enough guts to make choices all by themselves is pretty much a pipe dream.
Procrastination By Diana Hsieh @ 1:23 PM
This procrastination flowchart is just too damn accurate. I always realize that I'm in serious trouble when enough time has passed for me to restart your cycle of checking e-mail, blogs, news, etc.
Fabulous Ninja Fighting Kitties By Diana Hsieh @ 1:18 PM
Here at NoodleFood, we are personally committed to sharing the best in funny animal videos with you. Hence, Fabulous Ninja Fighting Kitties:
4. GPS satellite navigation systems have always been available. 10. Girls in head scarves have always been part of the school fashion scene. 19. Films have never been X rated, only NC-17. 20. The Warsaw Pact is as hazy for them as the League of Nations was for their parents. 22. Clarence Thomas has always sat on the Supreme Court. 33. The Tonight Show has always been hosted by Jay Leno and started at 11:35 EST. 46. The Green Bay Packers (almost) always had the same starting quarterback. 56. Michael Millken has always been a philanthropist promoting prostate cancer research.
I am writing to offer profound thanks to you for resolving an important philosophical question that has been heatedly debated for the last twenty years. The rumination began on a construction site one summer in the early 1970's, as my friend Jamie and I were working our way through college. The question we raised and have agonized over, lo these many years, is one that I've never read about in any philosophical treatise, and yet I have found it has applied to countless situations and conversations overheard in bars, repair shops, sporting events, political debates, etc. etc. etc.
Posit the question:
Do two people who don't know what they are talking about know more or less than one person who doesn't know what he's talking about?
(Pardon the un-PC masculine pronoun, but I have found this to be, most predominately, a male phenomenon.)
In your recent conversations regarding electric brakes on a cattle carrier, I believe you definitely answered this query and have put our debate to rest. Amazingly enough, you proved that even in a case where one person might know nothing about a subject, it is possible for two people to know even less!
One person will only go so far out on a limb in his construction of deeply hypothetical structures, and will often end with a shrug or a raising of hands to indicate the dismissability of his particular take on a subject. With two people, the intricacies, the gives and takes, the wherefores and why-nots, can become a veritable pas-de-deux of breathtaking speculation, interwoven in such a way that apologies or gestures of doubt are rendered unnecessary.
I had always suspected this was the case, but no argument I could have built from my years of observation would have so satisfyingly closed the door on the subject as your performance on the cattle carrier call. To begin your comments by saying, "We'll answer your question if you tell us how electric brakes work" and "We've never heard of electric brakes" and then indulge in lengthy theoretical hypostulations on the whys and wherefores of the caller's problem allowed me to observe that you were finally putting this gnarly question to rest.
I am forever indebted to you for the great service you have performed! I'm truly impressed that it took so many years of listening to your show to finally have this matter resolved.
On a more serious note, I've never felt safe in a "gun free zone" because I know I'm just a sitting duck for any criminal willing to disregard the law.
On the other hand, I've never felt safer than when I'm browsing at our local gun store, because I know that no criminal in his right mind would dare start any kind of trouble in place where there are dozens of trained, armed, law-abiding citizens ready and willing to protect themselves from bad guys. Similarly, I sleep very soundly at our autumn local Objectivist camp-outs, where most of us bring some sort of firearm to protect ourselves against four-legged or two-legged predators...
Vasectomy: $400. Speechless look on her face: priceless. Originally Posted: Tue, 6 Feb 14:24 PST
I'll try to sum up a funny story that happened a few years ago:
I got a vasectomy.
I met a girl soon afterwards. She was nice and attractive but with a selfish streak that raised a big red flag. She was 32 at the time and I could practically HEAR her biological clock ticking. Regardless, she was a good lay, easy on the eyes, and reasonably good company.
I did NOT tell her about my vasectomy and I always used a condom with her to protect against STDs. She assumed, obviously, that the condom was only used for birth control. Silly girl.
We date for a few months. I never made any move towards commitment but she brought it up ocassionally. For me, this was a casual but pleasant relationship. For her - as I was to find out - it was part of life-changing series of events that she was planning very carefully.
Four months into dating, I get the "I'm pregnant" talk. She's going on and on about how the condom must have broke and now we really need to think about getting married "for the baby". She's positively giddy. She has a baby in her and she thinks she's gonna have a good meal ticket (me) to go along with her new 7lb annuity.
At this point, I'm just as giddy. I get to pull the reverse "oops" on her. I figured that she slept with some bad boy and got knocked up. Good thing I was using condoms! Better still that I have a serious mistrust of women who can't think beyond their own uteri.
So I wait a couple of days to "think about all this." I meet her again. I say I don't want kids and that she should have an abortion. I know where this is going and sure enough it goes there. She goes completely batshit insane on me. There were the usual insults about my manhood. There were threats of legal action. It was all very ugly and I was loving every minute of it.
Well, I let her stew for a few days. She leaves me nasty messages on my phone. She sends awful emails. I'm laughing hysterically.
It was time to drop the hammer. While she was stewing I was busy. First I get a notarized copy from the urologist who performed the vasectomy. Next I get a notarized copy of the TWO test results indicating a "negative test result for sperm" to show I'm sterile and shooting blanks. Finally, I get a letter from a shark attorney stating he has seen the other documents and is prepared to litigate against this woman if she continues to communicate with me in such an unpleasant manner. Also, the letter states that we will insist on DNA testing to show that the baby is not mine. I'm ready.
I meet with this woman at her place. I bring flowers and a small bit of jewelry to show I am willing to reconcile and assume my responsibilities as a new father. I also have stuck in my pocket the documents I have prepared.
She's all giddy again. Her plan is going perfectly - or so she thinks. We talk about our future. We have some pretty good sex. Then, as I am about to walk out the door, I ask her the $64,000 question. "Are you sure that this baby is mine?"
Well, she goes batshit insane again. Hell, she ought to. Her plan could completely unravel if there is ANY question about my paternity. Oh, she's really screaming now. How dare I question her morals. Do I think she's a slut. I'm just trying to weasel out of my responsibilities... blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.
I'm not really mad. I'm kind of embarrassed for her. But since she won't shut up and the neighbors can hear all of this, I ask her to step back inside and sit down. She sits on the sofa and calms down a bit. She is glaring at me with all the moral self-righteousness that only a woman can muster up. She thinks she has me trapped. She is 100% convinced her plan has worked. Oh, the tangled web of lies and deceit she has wrought around herself and I am about to hack through them with a few pieces of paper.
I reach into my pocket slowly. I extract the three pieces of paper and unfold them slowly and deliberately.
I tell her simply, "You're screwed".
Her look doesn't change. There is no way she can fathom what I have prepared.
I continue. "I am sterile"
Her look changes just a bit. Something is beginning to sink in. Naturally, she reverts to women's logic. "You're full of shit. You're trapped and you know it."
I hold up the letter and the test results. "Three months before we met, I had a vasectomy. Here is a notarized letter from him stating what I had done. Here are two test results showing that I tested negative for the presence of sperm. Blanks. I am shooting blanks. That baby inside you is simply not mine."
This woman is not to be swayed by logic and clear documentation. "Bullshit, those are fakes."
I was ready for that. "No, they are real. This last piece of paper is from my attorney. It's a simple letter to you that states if you pursue any kind of legal action against me for child support that I will insist on a DNA test to prove paternity, that is, to prove that your baby is not mine."
I give the woman all the documents. She reads them slowly, deliberately. With each passing second she can feel in her soul that she has made a very bad mistake. With denial swept away, she started to cry. It's a small cry at first. Then it becomes deeper and more painful. By the time she gets to the letter from the lawyer she is sobbing.
I had no sympathy for her. I turned and walked out the door. Even after I closed the door I could still hear her sobbing.
Epilogue -
I never heard directly from this woman again. I did hear through my friends that she did indeed have the baby. I also heard that the real father was some guy in a band she had met. I assumed that after 30, women stopped going after musicians, bikers, criminals, and thugs. Silly me for thinking the best of American women.
The Moral of the Story -
Get a vasectomy but keep it a secret.
I found it particularly funny -- even though very inappropriate -- that he managed to have sex with her while in the middle of so artfully foiling her con.
When you cheat on your partner you add to the heartbreak, pain and jealousy in the atmosphere.
Cheatneutral offsets your cheating by funding someone else to be faithful and NOT cheat. This neutralises the pain and unhappy emotion and leaves you with a clear conscience.
Can I offset all my cheating?
First you should look at ways of reducing your cheating. Once you've done this you can use Cheatneutral to offset the remaining, unavoidable cheating.
Unfortunately, these folks are only opposed to carbon offsetting, not the whole idea of "carbon footprint" reduction. Still, it's damn funny.
I'm not sure which is my favorite: the view of the room from the perspective of the cat or the bedroom littered with dirty clothes. Probably the latter. (Via Amy Mossoff.)
EARTH -- Former vice president Al Gore -- who for the past three decades has unsuccessfully attempted to warn humanity of the coming destruction of our planet, only to be mocked and derided by the very people he has tried to save -- launched his infant son into space Monday in the faint hope that his only child would reach the safety of another world.
...Al Gore -- or, as he is known in his own language, Gore-Al -- placed his son, Kal-Al, gently in the one-passenger rocket ship, his brow furrowed by the great weight he carried in preserving the sole survivor of humanity's hubristic folly.
"There is nothing left now but to ensure that my infant son does not meet the same fate as the rest of my doomed race," Gore said. "I will send him to a new planet, where he will, I hope, be raised by simple but kindly country folk and grow up to be a hero and protector to his adopted home."
...In the final moments before the Earth's destruction, Gore expressed hope that his son would one day grow up to carry on his mission by fighting for truth, justice, and the American way elsewhere in the universe, using his Earth-given superpowers to become a champion of the downtrodden and a reducer of carbon emissions across the galaxy.
Children's Art By Diana Hsieh @ 3:03 PM
Why is it so damn funny when a snarky, condescending dude writes vulgar, nasty criticisms of children's drawings? Probably because it's so absurdly inappropriate. See for yourself: here and here.
The Great Over-Vs.-Under Debate By Paul Hsieh @ 9:12 AM
As NoodleFood readers know, we don't shy away from taking a strong position on controversial issues that have divided mankind for centuries.
Disclaimer: As an uncompromising advocate of the "Over" system, I speak only for myself on this issue. I don't exclude the possibility that some of my co-bloggers may be badly-mistaken supporters of the "Under" school of thought.
Point one: The sun--over eons--is by far the major driver of atmospheric CO2 levels--not human industrialization over the past minuscule decades.
Point two: Temperature rise precedes the rise in CO2 because warming temperatures enable the vast ocean reservoirs to release CO2 into the atmosphere. (Sorry, Al, you've got it backwards and upside-down--there is no credible scientific evidence that human-created CO2 causes global warming!)
3. Believing anything that Al Gore says.
4. Agreeing with the health care policies of a Senator who advocates socialized medicine for Americans, but whose life is saved as a direct consequence of the virtues of what's left of free market medical care.
5. Voting for such a Senator. It's stupid.
6. Acquitting OJ Simpson of brutally slaughtering two innocent people and making such a mess on the porch.
7. Forgetting to buy tickets to see the Dancing Itos.
8. Having confidence that Hamas will adhere to the latest cease fire with Israel. Hamas hates Israel, always has, always will, and will never adhere to any civilized contractual agreement. The whole thing is stupid.
9. Calling Mel Gibson a "filmmaker" since his release of Apocalypto. He should be called "man in need of psychiatric assistance."
10. Not reading Ayn Rand. It's s......, not a wise choice.
Some Dogs Like Water By Diana Hsieh @ 8:20 PM
The story behind this video is supposedly as follows: "These people were always finding water all over their pool deck and furniture, every time they came home, after being away for a few hours. They thought the neighborhood kids were watching for them to leave, and using the pool. However, they could never catch them doing it. So they set up their video cam and left. This is what they found..."
But if I see one more young male walking down the street with an iPod in one hand and holding up his pants with the other, I just might run up behind him, and WHOMP!, down they'll go!
Chewing gum and walking at the same time is hard enough. But can you imagine the tremendous challenge facing young men today having to walk, chew gum, talk on the cell phone, select songs on the iPod, look ultra-cool and hold up their pants all at the same time?!
But being America's self-appointed Fashion Vigilante has its grave responsibilities too. When I double-checked my "Fashion Police Handbook of Citizens' Rights," I discovered (much to my dismay) that I cannot just going around WHOMPING pants with the back pockets sagging around the knees.
So I guess I'll just have to stick to exemplifying that certain jean-wearing je ne sais quoi: just-faded enough, just loose-fitting enough--but not too much!!!
And keep my hands in my own pockets. That's the civilized way to be totally groovy.
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
A few days later:
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
Two Great Animal Videos By Diana Hsieh @ 1:09 AM
Even as NoodleFood steps up its production of serious philosophic content, we shall not forsake the funny cat videos! Nor the funny dog videos!
Our cat Oliver gets very affectionate when he's hungry -- for a time. After a while, when he gets too too hungry to bear the gnawing emptiness in his belly, he'll relentlessly chase poor Elliot around the house until we feed him a snack. Thankfully, he's not smart enough to pretend that desperate hunger when only moderately hungry!
A donkey is doing time in southern Mexico for assault and battery.
The animal was locked up at a local jail that normally holds people for public drunkenness and other disturbances after it bit and kicked two men near a ranch in Chiapas state, police said Monday.
Officer Sinar Gomez said the donkey will remain behind bars until its owner agrees to pay the men's medical bills.
"Around here, if someone commits a crime they are jailed," Gomez said — "no matter who they are."
I'm particularly entranced with the possibility of unzipping portions of my dress as I move through the day. How convenient that would be! (Not! It's yet another case of predicting bundling as some great benefit, when in fact it wouldn't be more convenient but only more limiting.)
However, the man-outfit toward the end of the clip is quite spectacular. It's spaceman-like qualities are quite ironic, given that men's clothing hasn't changed all that much since the 1930s.
The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.
The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?" The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."
Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye." Now the auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witnes s. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. "Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."
I must complain that I find this depiction of the two superheroes to be grossly unrealistic: everyone knows that Superman comes from the DC Comics world, whereas Spiderwoman comes from the Marvel Comics universe. (Via MeFi.)
