| Friday, May 02, 2008 |
 |
Gambling with the IRS
By Diana Hsieh @ 12:11 AM   
I got this joke in my e-mail a few days after tax day:
The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.
The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?" The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."
Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye." Now the auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witnes s. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. "Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it." Heh.Labels: Funny
 E-mail Diana Hsieh
 PermaLink
 Comments
 BloggerThis
|
| Monday, December 31, 2007 |
|
New Year Resolutions for Your Cat
By Diana Hsieh @ 8:34 AM
I strongly recommend reading these New Year resolutions to your cat. It won't do any good, but you'll find their behavior even more funny next year.
My human will never let me eat their pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.
I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.
I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and throw them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.
I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)
I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.
We will not play "Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti" over any humans' bed while they're trying to sleep.
I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.
I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.
I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.
If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to check every door.
I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.
When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.
I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when they are on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.
When my human is typing at the computer, their forearms are not a hammock.
Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has watched a horror movie.
I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has watched the X-Files.
I will not drag dirty socks onto the bed at night and then yell at the top of my lungs so that my humans can admire my "kill."
I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare until they wake up.
I will not walk on the key board when my human is writing important adagfsg gdjag ;ln.
If I must claw my human I will not do it in such a way that the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.
If I must give a present to my human guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a big live bug, even if it isn't as tasty. Any more, fellow cat servants?Labels: Funny
E-mail Diana Hsieh
PermaLink
Comments
BloggerThis
|
| Saturday, December 29, 2007 |
|
Top 30 Failed Technology Predictions
By Paul Hsieh @ 12:52 AM
Here is an interesting list of failed predictions about future technology:1. "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." -- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp. (DEC), maker of big business mainframe computers, arguing against the PC in 1977.
2. "We will never make a 32 bit operating system." -- Bill Gates
3. "Lee DeForest has said in many newspapers and over his signature that it would be possible to transmit the human voice across the Atlantic before many years. Based on these absurd and deliberately misleading statements, the misguided public ... has been persuaded to purchase stock in his company ..." -- a U.S. District Attorney, prosecuting American inventor Lee DeForest for selling stock fraudulently through the mail for his Radio Telephone Company in 1913.
4. "There is practically no chance communications space satellites will be used to provide better telephone, telegraph, television, or radio service inside the United States." -- T. Craven, FCC Commissioner, in 1961 (the first commercial communications satellite went into service in 1965).
5. "To place a man in a multi-stage rocket and project him into the controlling gravitational field of the moon where the passengers can make scientific observations, perhaps land alive, and then return to earth - all that constitutes a wild dream worthy of Jules Verne. I am bold enough to say that such a man-made voyage will never occur regardless of all future advances." -- Lee DeForest, American radio pioneer and inventor of the vacuum tube, in 1926
6. "A rocket will never be able to leave the Earth's atmosphere." -- New York Times, 1936.
7. "Flight by machines heavier than air is unpractical (sic) and insignificant, if not utterly impossible." - Simon Newcomb; The Wright Brothers flew at Kittyhawk 18 months later.
8. "Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." -- Lord Kelvin, British mathematician and physicist, president of the British Royal Society, 1895.
9. "There will never be a bigger plane built." -- A Boeing engineer, after the first flight of the 247, a twin engine plane that holds ten people
10. "Nuclear-powered vacuum cleaners will probably be a reality in 10 years." -- Alex Lewyt, president of vacuum cleaner company Lewyt Corp., in the New York Times in 1955.
11. "This is the biggest fool thing we have ever done. The bomb will never go off, and I speak as an expert in explosives." -- Admiral William D. Leahy, Chief of Staff to the Commander in Chief of the Army and Navy during World War II, advising President Truman on the atomic bomb, 1945.[6] Leahy admitted the error five years later in his memoirs
12. "The energy produced by the breaking down of the atom is a very poor kind of thing. Anyone who expects a source of power from the transformation of these atoms is talking moonshine." -- Ernest Rutherford, shortly after splitting the atom for the first time.
13. "There is not the slightest indication that nuclear energy will ever be obtainable. It would mean that the atom would have to be shattered at will." -- Albert Einstein, 1932
14. "The cinema is little more than a fad. It's canned drama. What audiences really want to see is flesh and blood on the stage." -- Charlie Chaplin, actor, producer, director, and studio founder, 1916
15. "The horse is here to stay but the automobile is only a novelty - a fad." -- The president of the Michigan Savings Bank advising Henry Ford's lawyer, Horace Rackham, not to invest in the Ford Motor Co., 1903
16. "The Americans have need of the telephone, but we do not. We have plenty of messenger boys." -- Sir William Preece, Chief Engineer, British Post Office, 1878.
17. "This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." -- A memo at Western Union, 1878 (or 1876).
18. "The world potential market for copying machines is 5000 at most." -- IBM, to the eventual founders of Xerox, saying the photocopier had no market large enough to justify production, 1959.
19. "I must confess that my imagination refuses to see any sort of submarine doing anything but suffocating its crew and floundering at sea." -- HG Wells, British novelist, in 1901.
20. "X-rays will prove to be a hoax." -- Lord Kelvin, President of the Royal Society, 1883.
21. "The idea that cavalry will be replaced by these iron coaches is absurd. It is little short of treasonous." -- Comment of Aide-de-camp to Field Marshal Haig, at tank demonstration, 1916.
22. "How, sir, would you make a ship sail against the wind and currents by lighting a bonfire under her deck? I pray you, excuse me, I have not the time to listen to such nonsense." -- Napoleon Bonaparte, when told of Robert Fulton's steamboat, 1800s.
23. "Fooling around with alternating current is just a waste of time. Nobody will use it, ever." -- Thomas Edison, American inventor, 1889 (Edison often ridiculed the arguments of competitor George Westinghouse for AC power).
24. "Home Taping Is Killing Music" -- A 1980s campaign by the BPI, claiming that people recording music off the radio onto cassette would destroy the music industry.
25. "Television won't last. It's a flash in the pan." -- Mary Somerville, pioneer of radio educational broadcasts, 1948.
26. "[Television] won't be able to hold on to any market it captures after the first six months. People will soon get tired of staring at a plywood box every night." -- Darryl Zanuck, movie producer, 20th Century Fox, 1946.
27. "When the Paris Exhibition [of 1878] closes, electric light will close with it and no more will be heard of it." - Oxford professor Erasmus Wilson
28. "Dear Mr. President: The canal system of this country is being threatened by a new form of transportation known as 'railroads' ... As you may well know, Mr. President, 'railroad' carriages are pulled at the enormous speed of 15 miles per hour by 'engines' which, in addition to endangering life and limb of passengers, roar and snort their way through the countryside, setting fire to crops, scaring the livestock and frightening women and children. The Almighty certainly never intended that people should travel at such breakneck speed." -- Martin Van Buren, Governor of New York, 1830(?).
29. "Rail travel at high speed is not possible because passengers, unable to breathe, would die of asphyxia." -- Dr Dionysys Larder (1793-1859), professor of Natural Philosophy and Astronomy, University College London.
30. "The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to no one in particular?" -- Associates of David Sarnoff responding to the latter's call for investment in the radio in 1921. (Via Fark.)Labels: Funny, Technology
E-mail Paul Hsieh
PermaLink
Comments
BloggerThis
|
| Sunday, December 02, 2007 |
|
Productivity
By Diana Hsieh @ 12:01 AM
I love The Onion: Study Finds Working At Work Improves Productivity.
According to a groundbreaking new study by the Department of Labor, working--the physical act of engaging in a productive job-related activity--may greatly increase the amount of work accomplished during the workday, especially when compared with the more common practices of wasting time and not working.
"Our findings are astounding: By simply sitting down and doing work, employees can dramatically increase their output of goods and services," said Deputy Undersecretary of Labor Charlotte Ponticelli, who authored the report. "In fact, 'working' may revolutionize the way people work."
Perhaps even more shocking, the study reveals that not working significantly decreases worker productivity, sometimes even resulting in no work getting done at all. Similar findings were reported in the areas of avoiding work, putting off work, complaining about work instead of actually working, pretending to work, and fucking around. I've personally confirmed those results in my own life, as I'm sure others have as well.Labels: Funny
E-mail Diana Hsieh
PermaLink
Comments
BloggerThis
|
| Thursday, November 22, 2007 |
|
Turkey Urban Legend
By Paul Hsieh @ 12:50 AM
In honor of Thanksgiving, here is a classic urban legend about turkey preparation. (The original version takes place at Christmas, but it is equally well suited for Thanksgiving):Last year, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional holiday feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick.
She told my sister that she needed something from the store and asked if my sister wouldn't mind going out to get it.
When my sister left the house, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, then re-stuffed the turkey.
She then placed the bird(s) back into the oven.
When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.
With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Barbara, you've cooked a pregnant bird!"
At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry hysterically. It took the entire family almost two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs! Labels: Funny
E-mail Paul Hsieh
PermaLink
Comments
BloggerThis
|
| Saturday, November 03, 2007 |
|
Kids on Marriage
By Diana Hsieh @ 7:23 AM
Funny, whether invented or not:
What exactly is marriage?
"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents." -- Eric, age 6
"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out." -- Anita, age 9
How did your mom and dad meet?
"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down. It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values." -- Lottie, age 9
"My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind." -- Jeremy, age 8
Is it better to be single or married?
"I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out." -- Theodore, age 8
"You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan." -- Kirsten, age 10
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them." -- Anita, age 9
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." -- Will, age 7
What is the right age to get married?
"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then." -- Camille, age 10
"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married." -- Freddie, age 6
"Eighty-four, because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." -- Carolyn, age 8
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." -- Bert, age 5
How can a stranger tell if two people are married?
"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." -- Eddie, age 6
"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." -- Derrick, age 8
What do most people do on a date?
"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough." -- Lynnette, age 8
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." -- Martin, age 10
"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love." -- Craig, age 9
What would you do on a first date that was turning sour?
"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." -- Craig, age 9
When is it okay to kiss someone?
"When they're rich." -- Pam, age 7
"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." -- Curt, age 7
"The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do." -- Howard, age 8
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." -- Allan, age 10
"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you... If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." -- Kally, age 9
How do you decide whom to marry?
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." -- Alan, age 10
"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." -- Kirsten, age 10
"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." -- Kelly, age 9
"My mother says to look for a man who is kind... That's what I'll do... I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." -- Carolyn, age 8
How would you make a marriage work?
"If you want to last with your man, you should wear a lot of sexy clothes, especially underwear that is red and maybe has a few diamonds on it." -- Lori, age 8
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck." -- Ricky, age 10 Labels: Funny
E-mail Diana Hsieh
PermaLink
Comments
BloggerThis
|
| Monday, September 24, 2007 |
|
How to Prepare for Deployment to Iraq
By Diana Hsieh @ 8:03 AM
Funny, in a terrible kind of way:
How to Prepare for a Deployment to Iraq
1. Sleep on a cot in the garage.
2. Replace the garage door with a curtain.
3. Six hours after you go to sleep, have your wife or girlfriend whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble, "Sorry, wrong cot."
4. Renovate your bathroom. Hang a green plastic sheet down from the middle of your bathtub and move the showerhead down to chest level. Keep four inches of soapy cold water on the floor. Stop cleaning the toilet and pee everywhere but in the toilet itself. Leave two to three sheets of toilet paper. Or for best effect, remove it altogether. For a more realistic deployed bathroom experience, stop using your bathroom and use a neighbor's. Choose a neighbor who lives at least a quarter mile away.
5. When you take showers, wear flip-flops and keep the lights off.
6. Every time there is a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly rocking chair and dump dirt on your head.
7. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it on "HIGH" for that tactical generator smell.
8. Don't watch TV except for movies in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one.
9. Leave a lawnmower running in your living room 24 hours a day for proper noise level.
10. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
11. Once a week, blow compressed air up through your chimney making sure the wind carries the soot across and on to your neighbor's house. Laugh at him when he curses you.
12. Buy a trash compactor and only use it once a week. Store up garbage in the other side of your bathtub.
13. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on a saltine cracker.
14. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your food cabinets or refrigerator. Then serve some kind of meat in an unidentifiable sauce poured over noodles. Do this for every meal.
15. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed and get to the shower as fast as you can. Simulate there is no hot water by running out into your yard and breaking out the garden hose.
16. Once a month, take every major appliance completely apart and put it back together again.
17. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for five or six hours before drinking.
18. Invite at least 185 people you don't really like because of their strange hygiene habits to come and visit for a couple of months. Exchange clothes with them.
19. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.
20. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors so that you either trip over the threshold or hit your head on the sill every time you pass through one of them.
21. Keep a roll of toilet paper on your night stand and bring it to the bathroom with you. And bring your gun and a flashlight.
22. Go to the bathroom when you just have to pass gas, "just in case." Every time.
23. Announce to your family that they have mail, have them report to you as you stand outside your open garage door after supper and then say, "Sorry, it's for the other Smith."
24. Wash only 15 items of laundry per week. Roll up the semi-wet clean clothes in a ball. Place them in a cloth sack in the corner of the garage where the cat pees. After a week, unroll them and without ironing or removing the mildew, proudly wear them to professional meetings and family gatherings. Pretend you don't know what you look or smell like. Enthusiastically repeat the process for another week.
25. Go to the worst crime-infested place you can find, go heavily armed, wearing a flak jacket and a Kevlar helmet. Set up shop in a tent in a vacant lot. Announce to the residents that you are there to help them.
26. Eat a single M&M every Sunday and convince yourself it's for Malaria.
27. Demand each family member be limited to 10 minutes per week for a morale phone call. Enforce this with your teenage daughter.
28. Shoot a few bullet holes in the walls of your home for proper ambiance.
29. Sandbag the floor of your car to protect from mine blasts and fragmentation.
30. While traveling down roads in your car, stop at each overpass and culvert and inspect them for remotely detonated explosives before proceeding.
31. Fire off 50 cherry bombs simultaneously in your driveway at 3:00 a.m. When startled neighbors appear, tell them all is well, you are just registering mortars. Tell them plastic will make an acceptable substitute for their shattered windows.
32. Drink your milk and sodas warm.
33. Spread gravel throughout your house and yard.
34. Make your children clear their Super Soakers in a clearing barrel you placed outside the front door before they come in.
35. Make your family dig a survivability position with overhead cover in the backyard. Complain that the 4x4s are not 8 inches on center and make them rebuild it.
36. Continuously ask your spouse to allow you to go buy an M-Gator.
37. When your 5-year-old asks for a stick of gum, have him find the exact stick and flavor he wants on the Internet and print out the web page. Type up a Form 9 and staple the web page to the back. Submit the paperwork to your spouse for processing. After two weeks, give your son the gum.
38. Announce to your family that the dog is a vector for disease and shoot it. Throw the dog in a burn pit you dug in your neighbor's back yard.
39. Wait for the coldest/hottest day of the year and announce to your family that there will be no heat/air conditioning that day so you can perform much needed maintenance on the heater/air conditioner. Tell them you are doing this so they won't get cold/hot.
40. Just when you think you're ready to resume a normal life, order yourself to repeat this process for another six months to simulate the next deployment you've been ordered to support. #25 is darn revealing, I think.Labels: Funny
E-mail Diana Hsieh
PermaLink
Comments
BloggerThis
|
| Thursday, September 20, 2007 |
|
God Sued, Refuses to Appear in Court
By Diana Hsieh @ 10:27 PM
God is being sued. The lawsuit is apparently intended to highlight the problem of frivolous lawsuits, but I think it raises the problem of evil, albeit in an unorthodox way:
The lawsuit admits God goes by all sorts of alias, names, titles and designations and it also recognizes the fact that the defendant is "Omnipresent".
In the lawsuit Chambers says he's tried to contact God numerous times, "Plaintiff, despite reasonable efforts to effectuate personal service upon Defendant ("Come out, come out, wherever you are") has been unable to do so."
The suit also requests that the court given the "peculiar circumstances" of this case waive personal service. It says being Omniscient, the plaintiff assumes God will have actual knowledge of the action.
The lawsuit accuses God "of making and continuing to make terroristic threats of grave harm to innumerable persons, including constituents of Plaintiff who Plaintiff has the duty to represent."
It says God has caused, "fearsome floods, egregious earthquakes, horrendous hurricanes, terrifying tornadoes, pestilential plagues, ferocious famines, devastating droughts, genocidal wars, birth defects, and the like."
The suit also says God has caused, "calamitous catastrophes resulting in the wide-spread death, destruction and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earth's inhabitants including innocent babes, infants, children, the aged and infirm without mercy or distinction."
Chambers also says God "has manifested neither compassion nor remorse, proclaiming that Defendant "will laugh" when calamity comes.
Chambers asks for the court to grant him a summary judgment. He says as an alternative, he wants the judge to set a date for a hearing as "expeditiously" as possible and enter a permanent injunction enjoining God from engaging in the types of deleterious actions and the making of terroristic threats described in the lawsuit. Heh.Labels: Funny
E-mail Diana Hsieh
PermaLink
Comments
BloggerThis
|
| Sunday, September 02, 2007 |
|
Joke Du Jour
By Diana Hsieh @ 7:22 AM
Heh:
I was married 25 years ago, recently I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde."
"Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed, and 55" plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car and sleeping on a sofa bed. Labels: Funny
E-mail Diana Hsieh
PermaLink
Comments
BloggerThis
|
| Thursday, August 30, 2007 |
|
Thinking - The Silent Disease
By Diana Hsieh @ 5:35 PM
Heh:
It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then -- just to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.
That was when things began to sour at home. One evening, I turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.
I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't help myself.
I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau, Muir, Confucius, and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"
One day, the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."
This gave me a lot to think about.
I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."
"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"
"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."
"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as a college professor and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"
"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently.
She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama.
"I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking lot with a social reportage on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors. They didn't open. The library was closed.
To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye: "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster. This is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was Porky's. Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.
I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. The road to recovery is now nearly complete for me.
Today I took the final step. I joined the (Republican / Democratic / Libertarian / Green / Socialist / Whatever) Party. Labels: Funny
E-mail Diana Hsieh
PermaLink
Comments
BloggerThis
|
| Friday, August 24, 2007 |
|
Joke Du Jour
By Diana Hsieh @ 9:20 AM
Heh:
Three Beers
This guy went into the bar Friday night and ordered three beers. In fact, every Friday night he went into the bar and ordered three beers and drank them all by himself. Three beers...every Friday night. Not 2. Never 4. Always 3.
Well, the bartender couldn't figure this out. Without fail this guy always came in.
The bartender finally said to the guy, "Every Friday night you come in here and have three beers. There must be a story to this. You never order 2 beers, or 4 beers, always 3."
The guy said, "Yes, there is a story. You see, me and my two buddies always went out for a beer on Friday night when we were in Vietnam.
"One night while we were drinking we decided that we would continue doing this when we returned to the States. We also decided that if one of us didn't make it, the other two would drink the third one's beer. And if two didn't make it, the third guy would drink the other two beers. The other two didn't make it back so I'm drinking theirs." The bartender felt bad.
Well, the next Friday night the guy came back into the bar as usual but only ordered two beers. The bartender couldn't believe it. From then on, Friday after Friday, this guy now ordered only two drinks. The bartender was so puzzled he just had to ask the guy about it.
The bartender said to him, "I notice you've only been ordering two beers for the last few weeks. There has to be a story here."
The guy said, "Yes, indeed there is a story. You see, I joined the Mormon church and I can't drink beer any more." Labels: Funny
E-mail Diana Hsieh
PermaLink
Comments
BloggerThis
|
| Friday, August 17, 2007 |
|
Potatoes
By Diana Hsieh @ 1:09 PM
Heh:
An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Fred,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love,
Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden! That's where I buried the BODIES!
Love,
Fred
At 4am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love,
Fred Labels: Funny
E-mail Diana Hsieh
PermaLink
Comments
BloggerThis
|
| Thursday, June 14, 2007 |
|
Smarter Crows
By Diana Hsieh @ 10:10 AM
In Introduction to Objectivist Epistemology, Ayn Rand begins the chapter on "The Cognitive Role of Concepts" as follows:
The story of the following experiment was told in a university classroom by a professor of psychology. I cannot vouch for the validity of the specific numerical conclusions drawn from it, since I could not check it first-hand. But I shall cite it here, because it is the most illuminating way to illustrate a certain fundamental aspect of consciousness—of any consciousness, animal or human.
The experiment was conducted to ascertain the extent of the ability of birds to deal with numbers. A hidden observer watched the behavior of a flock of crows gathered in a clearing of the woods. When a man came into the clearing and went on into the woods, the crows hid in the tree tops and would not come out until he returned and left the way he had come. When three men went into the woods and only two returned, the crows would not come out: they waited until the third one had left. But when five men went into the woods and only four returned, the crows came out of hiding. Apparently, their power of discrimination did not extend beyond three units—and their perceptual-mathematical ability consisted of a sequence such as: one-two-three-many.
Whether this particular experiment is accurate or not, the truth of the principle it illustrates can be ascertained introspectively: if we omit all conceptual knowledge, including the ability to count in terms of numbers, and attempt to see how many units (or existents of a given kind) we can discriminate, remember and deal with by purely perceptual means (e.g., visually or auditorially, but without counting), we will discover that the range of man's perceptual ability may be greater, but not much greater, than that of the crow: we may grasp and hold five or six units at most.
This fact is the best demonstration of the cognitive role of concepts. Apparently, crows have grown smarter since that original experiment, as this article on "How To Shoot Crows" by Ed Zern from Field & Stream (August 1973) demonstrates:
Over the years a number of readers have written, asking me to provide them with my crow-shooting system as it appeared here a decade or so ago. As both of them are regular subscribers I can hardly afford to ignore their request, and hasten to comply.
The system is based on a study of crow behavior conducted by research biologists at Phelps University which showed that crows have a relatively high level of intelligence and are actually able to count, but only in multiples of three or less, so that the conventional procedure for fooling crows-by sending several men into a blind, then having all but one of them leave -- is not likely to work except with very young birds, if at all. Thus, even if six crow hunters go into a cornstalk blind and only five come out, the crows probably won't be fooled, as they will have counted off the hunters in trios and will realize that one of the groups is short a man; as a result they will stay the hell away from there until the frustrated gunner gives up and emerges.
My system for successful crow hunting is childishly simple, and consists of the following steps:
1. Build a blind overlooking a cornfield frequented by crows.
2. Assemble a group of twenty five hunters, all dressed more or less alike and of nearly equal height, build, and facial characteristics. All the hunters should be clean-shaven, but twelve of them should be wearing false mustaches. The group should assemble in a barn or some sort of building not less than 350 yards from the field. (It would be prudent to have a few spare hunters on hand, to substitute in cases of pulled muscles, heart attacks or other contingencies.)
3. All of the hunters should be equipped with 12-gauge shotguns, but it is advisable that these be fairly light in weight, as it is important that all hunters going to and from the blind must travel at a dead run, so that the crows will not have sufficient time for their calculations.
4. As soon as a flock of crows comes into the area, eleven of the hunters are dispatched from the old barn to the blind, running at top speed. The instant they arrive, seven of them turn around and rush back to the barn.
5. When the seven hunters get back to the barn, they are joined by six other hunters and the thirteen of them sprint back to the blind as fast as possible; on arrival there, ten of them immediately turn around and dash back to the barn.
6. Before the ten arrive, eight more hunters are sent from the barn to the blind. When they meet the ten returning from the blind all of them switch hats and false mustaches while milling around in a tight huddle, then break it up and resume running to their respective destinations.
7. As soon as the eight hunters arrive at the blind, five of them turn around and rush back toward the barn; on the way they meet nine hunters running from the barn toward the blind, whereupon the hunters divide themselves into two groups of seven, one of which runs back to the barn while the other rushes to the blind, changes hats and mustaches, leaves two of its members there and dashes back to the barn.
8. Of the twelve hunters now in the blind, nine now rush across the fields to the barn while twelve of the thirteen hunters in the barn charge en masse from the barn to the blind; on arrival they immediately turn and sashay back to the barn taking two of the three hunters still in the blind, leaving a single hunter.
9. It is, of course, essential that all this be done at the highest possible speed, so that the crows will fall hopelessly behind in their arithmetic and in the consequent corvine confusion fail to realize that a hunter is concealed in the blind.
10. Eventually, the crows will learn to count faster, so that the system must be modified occasionally to keep ahead of them. In addition to having the hunters run faster, it may be necessary to introduce false beards and quick-change toupees as well as false mustaches, and to build a second blind on another side of the field so that the traffic will be triangular instead of simply linear, requiring the crows to start working on trigonometric permutations and geometric progressions in order to cope. In severe cases the hunters may be equipped with numbered jerseys from 1 to 25 but with the number 17 omitted and two numbers 21s. (This can also be done with roman numerals, when birds are very wary.)
Well, you asked for it, readers, and you got it. Watch this space next month for an equally simple fool-proof system for outwitting that wily old woodchuck in the back pasture, requiring no special equipment other than a stuffed Guernsey cow and a milkmaid's costume. Remember -- you saw it here first! Heh.Labels: Funny
E-mail Diana Hsieh
PermaLink
Comments
BloggerThis
|
| Sunday, June 03, 2007 |
|
A Letter to Our Pets
By Diana Hsieh @ 1:06 PM
More funny animal stuff:
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, since I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am truly sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicularly to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me and THEN go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture .)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours, and does not speak clearly.
Remember:
Dogs and cats are better than kids because: they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell their children. Also, you can lock them in a crate when they're behaving badly!Labels: Funny
E-mail Diana Hsieh
PermaLink
Comments
BloggerThis
|
| Monday, May 28, 2007 |
|
Notes from Parents
By Diana Hsieh @ 6:18 PM
I've seen these funny notes from parents to school before, but they still make me laugh:
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]
Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor. Labels: Funny
E-mail Diana Hsieh
PermaLink
Comments
BloggerThis
|
| Saturday, March 24, 2007 |
|
Teaching Evaluations for Socrates
By Diana Hsieh @ 6:13 AM
If Socrates Had to Undergo Teaching Evaluations by His Students:
"He always keeps talking about these figures in a cave, like they really have anything to do with the real world. Give me a break! I spend serious money for my education and I need something I can use in the real world, not some b.s. about shadows and imaginary trolls who live in caves."
"Also, I believe this Republic that Prof. Socrates wants to design — as if anyone really wants to let this dreadful little man design an entire city — is nothing but a plan for a hegemonic, masculinist empire that will dominate all of Greece and enforce its own values and beliefs on the diverse communities of our multicultural society."
"My first thought about this class was: this guy is really ugly. Then I thought, well, he's just a little hard on the eyes. Finally, I came to see that he was kind of cute. Before I used to judge everyone based on first impressions, but I learned that their outward appearances can be seen in different ways through different lenses."
Heh.Labels: Academia, Funny
E-mail Diana Hsieh
PermaLink
Comments
BloggerThis
|
| Wednesday, March 21, 2007 |
|
How College Kids Imagine the United States Government
By Diana Hsieh @ 8:49 PM
Too damn funny:
How College Kids Imagine the United States Government
--Did you hear the news, Mr. President? The students at the University of Pittsfield are walking out of their classes, in protest over the war.
--(spits out coffee) Wha-- What did you say?
--Apparently, students are standing up in the middle of lectures and walking right out of the building.
--But students love lectures. If they're willing to give those up, they must really be serious about this peace thing! How did you hear about this protest?
--The White House hears about every protest, no matter how small.
--Oh, right, I remember.
--You haven't heard the half of it, Mr. President. The leader of the group says that if you don't stop the war today they're going to . . . to . . . I'm sorry, I can't say it out loud. It's just too terrifying.
--Say it, damn it! I'm the President!
--All right! If you don't stop the war . . . they're going to stop going to school for the remainder of the week.
--Send the troops home.
--But, Mr. President! Shouldn't we talk about this?
--Send the troops home. Labels: Funny
E-mail Diana Hsieh
PermaLink
Comments
BloggerThis
|
| Monday, March 05, 2007 |
|
Celebrate Love!
By Diana Hsieh @ 10:45 AM
I am reposting this announcement in memory of Bob Zinser, who thought it hysterically funny when he first read it. It was some random bit of non-commercial spam I received some years ago. I'm posting it a bit early to give everyone time to prepare.
Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for your wife or girlfriend by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic.
Secret...guys feel left out. That's right...left out. There's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed to admit it. Which is why a new holiday has been created.
March 20th is now officially "Steak & Blowjob Day."
Simple, effective and self-explanatory...this holiday has been created so your ladies can have a day to show your man just how much you love him. No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town-the name of the holiday explains it all...just a steak and a BJ. That's it.
This twin pairing of Valentine's Day and Steak & Blowjob Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere will try THAT much harder in February to ensure a more memorable March! It's like perpetual love machine.
The word is already spreading, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help bring love and peace to this crazy world. Oh, and just remember ladies, this upcoming holiday isn't "Please Your Man Day." It's "Steak and Blowjob Day." So if he wants chicken and intercourse 15 days from now, you must refuse. Words are not made of rubber!Labels: Funny
E-mail Diana Hsieh
PermaLink
Comments
BloggerThis
|
| Saturday, December 09, 2006 |
|
Reverse Rejection Letter
By Diana Hsieh @ 8:11 AM
Too funny:
Herbert A. Millington
Chair - Search Committee
412A Clarkson Hall, Whitson University
College Hill, MA 34109
Dear Professor Millington,
Thank you for your letter of March 16. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me an assistant professor position in your department.
This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.
Despite Whitson's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore, I will assume the position of assistant professor in your department this August. I look forward to seeing you then.
Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.
Sincerely,
Chris L. Jensen Oh, and here's another damn funny rejection letter from a soon-to-be-divorced man. (Warning: It's quite raunchy.)Labels: Funny
E-mail Diana Hsieh
PermaLink
Comments
BloggerThis
|
| Tuesday, October 17, 2006 |
|
The Sanctuary at Antelope Bluff Vista?!?
By Diana Hsieh @ 9:25 AM
Even if you don't live in Denver, this Guide to Suburban Denver Subdivision Names is damn funny. I'm sure the same absurd naming schemes are pretty common in other cities.
In Maryland, when I was in high school, new subdivisions were being built upon farmland through which my mother and I foxhunted with the Howard County-Iron Bridge Hunt Club. Although I was always a bit sad to lose good hunting territory, I was downright offended when subdivisions would be named after the foxhunting no longer possible on that land, e.g. "Fox Ridge" with a hunting horn as the logo.
Then again, anything's better than the name of the neighborhood built around our farm in New Jersey in the early 1980s: "Lifestyle 80's." I kid you not. Obviously, it was changed once the 90's arrived, as the developer should have known in advance.Labels: Funny
E-mail Diana Hsieh
PermaLink
Comments
BloggerThis
|
| Thursday, October 12, 2006 |
|
Kick-Ass Texas Birds
By Diana Hsieh @ 1:37 PM
A funny story from a reader published in Impromptus:
I'm a law student at Texas Tech University, and I have a bird story. Sadly, this is just about the most exciting thing that's happened on our sleepy campus.
Trees are a precious commodity in Lubbock, mainly because we don't have any native trees here. That means that when somebody plants a tree, birds nest there. It's that simple.
Well, in front of our law school a mockingbird has taken up residence. Mockingbirds, if you don't know, are quite territorial, much like blue jays. And this particular mockingbird is attacking students and profs. Once, the bird's claws got caught in a professor's tweed jacket.
Fortunately for our winged raider, the mockingbird has official immunity -- it's the state bird of Texas. So we can't kill the bird. We can't even harm the bird. So what does the university do? Move the bird? Destroy the nest so that it will leave?
No. They erected a barricade around the tree. An orange one (barricade, not tree). Apparently, the university believes that the attack radius is only about 30 feet in diameter. According to the zoology department, however, birds are capable of flying much greater distances, and this mockingbird proves that daily as it flies over the barricade laughing as it targets fresh victims.
We climbed to the top of the food chain, only to mollycoddle mockingbirds. Sheesh!
At first I was mad about this, that we're in Texas and can't shoot some wacky bird. But then I rethought the situation. I'm now kind of proud that our state bird isn't some pansy little songbird. No! Our state bird is a butt-kicking, fire-breathing, territorial, vicious beast. How could you get more Texan than that? Labels: Funny
E-mail Diana Hsieh
PermaLink
Comments
BloggerThis
|
| Tuesday, August 29, 2006 |
|
Too Damn Funny
By Diana Hsieh @ 2:59 PM
A co-worker of Paul's forwarded this tidbit to him:
The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved'. Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert.
Italy has increased the alert level from "shout loudly and excitedly" to "elaborate military posturing". Two more levels remain, "ineffective combat operations" and "change sides".
The Germans also increased their alert state from "disdainful arrogance" to "dress in uniform and sing marching songs". They have two higher levels: "invade its neighbors" and "lose". Heh.
Sadly, I think we should rename America's alert levels to "refuse to identify the enemy," "demand concessions from your allies to your enemies," "fight half a war in the wrong place," and "appease while quaking in fear of barbarians at the gates."Labels: Funny
E-mail Diana Hsieh
PermaLink
Comments
BloggerThis
|
| Thursday, May 04, 2006 |
|
The Twelve Types Of Medical Students
By Paul Hsieh @ 10:06 PM
The best humor is funny because it's true. Well, this cartoon on "The Twelve Types of Medical Students" is true.
The other cartoons in the series are also pretty good. My surgery rotation was a lot like this, especially holding a retractor for 12 hours during a liver transplant case (starting at 2am), then being assigned the honor of tying the skin sutures, which the chief resident undoubtedly thought was a "reward" but which felt more like a punishment given my painfully cramped fingers. Of course, I gave him the politically correct answer of, "Yes sir, thanks for letting me tie the skin sutures!", and did what I was told.
(On my first day of surgery rotation, one of the junior residents took me aside and said that the faculty valued "toughness" in their students, and hence we should not display any "weakness". As examples of weakness, he included "need for eating, sleeping, or urination"; he was only half-joking.)
My Ob-Gyn rotation was similar to this, since I also did it in a posh suburban hospital, not the grimy inner city hospital in Detroit. Just don't get me started on feminism and Ob-Gyn; as a lowly med student I developed many ways of staying out of the ideological debates between my superiors on this topic.
(More cartoons are available here; I also liked her Psychiatry cartoon.)Labels: Funny
E-mail Paul Hsieh
PermaLink
Comments
BloggerThis
|
| Monday, April 24, 2006 |
|
Ode To Duct Tape
By Paul Hsieh @ 11:30 AM
This interesting article covers many of the unorthodox uses of duct tape, detailing some of its life-saving applications in medicine, outer space, the outdoors, etc. One funny tidbit:Of course, for all its versatility, perhaps the most interesting thing about duct tape is also the most ironic: It's lousy for use on ducts.
In 1998, Lawrence Berkeley National Laboratory physicists Max Sherman and Lain Walker tested a variety of sealing materials on sheet metal ducting, then heated and cooled the ducts to simulate the aging process. They soon found that duct tape leaked air so badly much of the cooling and heating was wasted -- and that the tape frequently shrunk, dried up or separated.
"It failed reliably and often quite catastrophically," says Sherman. "And nothing else except duct tape failed." Labels: Funny
E-mail Paul Hsieh
PermaLink
Comments
BloggerThis
|
| Thursday, March 23, 2006 |
|
Meow Meow, Woof Woof
By Diana Hsieh @ 11:58 AM
A few days ago, I searched Google Video for cat dog in the hopes of finding this funny short video of a cat effectively warding off a hungry dog. (I'd received the video via e-mail, but I wanted to blog it. In the meantime, I found a few other darn funny cat-dog videos, such as a fat cat fighting a losing battle over its food, dog and cat wrestling, cat taunting dog on a leash, puppy outclassed in fight with massive cat, and cat making biscuits on an conked-out puppy. Of course, nothing beats the previously-blogged cat fight.Labels: Funny
E-mail Diana Hsieh
PermaLink
Comments
BloggerThis
|
| Tuesday, February 14, 2006 |
|
Fight Club, Bollywood Style
By Diana Hsieh @ 12:00 PM
Paul sent me this tidbit of news from pulpmovies.com:
Bollywood is jumping on the the remake bandwagon again, this time with Fight Club which come complete with all the singing and dancing that we've come to know and love from this part of the world.
[Then Pulpmovies posts this official synopsis of the movie:]
An exhilarating journey of four friends -- Vicky, Karan, Somil and Diku -- who, in a constant endeavor to help each other, get entangled in a web of incidents -- some romantic, many funny, and all testing the extremes of their friendship. These four friends, who could be mistaken for brothers, offer an example of wonderful camaraderie, all throughout a journey with numerous highs, twists and turns. This journey is further accelerated when Vicky stumbles upon the design of a fight club, a club which gives people a chance to settle scores with their enemies in a unique atmosphere of fun, action and excitement. Amidst the on-going fun and fists, Vicky and Karan get entangled in affairs of the heart and mind with Anu and Shonali which thicken/tighten the group's bonds... and send them off to New Delhi to look after the "Crossroads" nightclub, which is in the eye of a storm created by Delhi's most dangerous gangs... In that ongoing, ever-increasing melee, ex-kingpin Anna's brother, Mohit, gets killed, filling Anna with vengeance... situations take an ugly turn... time calls for a clash... Dinesh, a merciless rival, masterminds a killing plan, with his brother, Sandy, giving him strong company. At this, Team Fight Club calls in their ace, Sameer, a bouncer, to tilt the balance in their favor. In this puffed up atmosphere of fists and fights, Sameer finds love in the name of Komal. Now, in a strange new city, these five boys from Mumbai experience love, passion -- and deadly dons...
Just one question: What the heck does any of that have to do with Fight Club?!? (Methinks that someone at Pulpmovies never actually say the Hollywood movie Fight Club since the only similarity between the two films is their titles.)Labels: Funny
E-mail Diana Hsieh
PermaLink
Comments
BloggerThis
|
| Saturday, February 04, 2006 |
|
Funny Newspaper Headlines
By Diana Hsieh @ 7:57 AM
Some funny newspaper headlines, truth unknown:
Some are just slips of the tongue...
Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
House passes gas tax onto senate
Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan
Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
William Kelly was fed secretary
Milk drinkers are turning to powder
Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted
Quarter of a million Chinese live on water
Farmer bill dies in house
Iraqi head seeks arms
Some become unintentionally suggestive...
Queen Mary having bottom scraped
Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
Prostitutes appeal to Pope
Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over
NJ judge to rule on nude beach
Child's stool great for use in garden
Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors
Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
Organ festival ends in smashing climax
Grammar often botches other headlines...
Eye drops off shelf
Squad helps dog bite victim
Dealers will hear car talk at noon
Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests
Miners refuse to work after death
Two Soviet ships collide - one dies
Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter
Once in a while, a botched headline takes on a meaning opposite from the one intended...
Never withhold herpes from loved one
Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984
Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better
Sometimes newspaper editors state the obvious...
If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while
War dims hope for peace
Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
Cold wave linked to temperatures
Child's death ruins couple's holiday
Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years
Man is fatally slain
Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolationLabels: Funny
E-mail Diana Hsieh
PermaLink
Comments
BloggerThis
|
| Saturday, August 13, 2005 |
|
Mr Burns on Cheating
By Diana Hsieh @ 9:15 AM
Paul sent me this hysterical bit of dialogue from an old episode of The Simpsons:
Burns: Tell me, Simpson. If an opportunity arose for taking a small shortcut, you wouldn't be adverse to taking it, would you?
Homer: Uhh, not as such.
Burns: Neither would I. I've always felt that there's far too much hysteria these days about so-called cheating.
Homer: Yes, a lot of -- hysteria. [worried look]
Burns: Mm-hmm. If you can take advantage of a situation in some way, it's your duty as an American to do it. Why should the race always be to the swift or the jumble to the quick-witted? Should they be allowed to win merely because of the gifts God gave them? Well, I say cheating is the gift man gives himself!
Homer: Mr. Burns, I insist that we cheat.
Burns: Excellent. Heh!Labels: Funny
E-mail Diana Hsieh
PermaLink
Comments
BloggerThis
|
| Saturday, January 29, 2005 |
|
Sound Advice from Mom
By Diana Hsieh @ 9:54 PM
My mother, a very wise woman indeed, send this helpful bit of advice to me a few days ago:
I am passing this on to you because it certainly worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice described on a Dr. Phil show, today I have a much more tranquil and serene feeling about life.
Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started."
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I had started and had not finished. So, before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of Vodka, the 1/2 gallon of Butter Pecan ice cream, an opened package of Oreos, the remainder of both Prozac and Valium prescriptions, the rest of the Christmas fruitcake, and an open box of decadent chocolates.
You have no idea how good I feel!!!
Heh. Labels: Funny
E-mail Diana Hsieh
PermaLink
Comments
BloggerThis
|
| Friday, July 30, 2004 |
|
A Silly Joke
By Diana Hsieh @ 1:38 PM
Since Paul and I are currently listening to Robert Mayhew's course Ayn Rand on Humor while we run, a silly joke seems to be in order today:
There was a tradesman, a painter named Jack, who was very interested in making a dollar where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time.
Eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration project. Jack put in a painting bid and, because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he started, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and thinning it down with turpentine.
Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack off the scaffold to land on the lawn. Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?" And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
God as the metaphysically insignificant... Heh.Labels: Funny
E-mail Diana Hsieh
PermaLink
Comments
BloggerThis
|
|
| | |
NoodleFoodlers
Diana Hsieh
Paul Hsieh
Greg Perkins
Guest NoodleFoodlers
Paula Hall
Blog Stuff
Recent Comments
RSS Feed by E-Mail
Ask a Question
Blogger Trackbacks
Technorati Trackbacks
Blogger Trackbacks
NoodleFood RSS Feed
NetFlix Friends
Reader Map
Objectivist Mailing Lists
OActivists
OBloggers
OAcademics
Objectivism Resources
Ayn Rand Lexicon
False Objectivism Collection
Front Range Objectivism
Ayn Rand Institute
DC Objectivist Salon
Ayn Rand Society
Activism
The Objective Standard
The Undercurrent
FIRM (Freedom and
Individual Rights in Medicine)
Ayn Rand Institute
Family
Paul Hsieh's GeekPress
Meredith Brickell Ceramics
Blogroll
Archives
March 2002
April 2002
May 2002
June 2002
July 2002
August 2002
September 2002
October 2002
November 2002
December 2002
January 2003
February 2003
March 2003
April 2003
May 2003
June 2003
July 2003
August 2003
October 2003
November 2003
December 2003
January 2004
February 2004
March 2004
April 2004
May 2004
June 2004
July 2004
August 2004
September 2004
October 2004
November 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
|
